Choice

The drip, drip, drip of existence

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The Monotony – by Enzzok

“I’ve been feeling a little bit down of late. It’s the process of maintaining my sobriety. It’s repetitive and it’s relentless and above all it’s tedious. When I left rehab I accepted your influence. I committed to my recovery and now two years in I find myself asking: Is this it? My sobriety is simply a grind. It’s just this leaky faucet which requires constant maintenance and in return offers only not to drip.
I used to imagine that a relapse would be the climax to some grand drama. Now I think that if I were to use drugs again it would in fact be an anticlimax, the impious surrender to the incessant ‘drip, drip, drip’ of existence.” ~ Sherlock, Elementary

I am 100% happy that I quit drinking. I celebrate the fact that I am sober and I am happy about it. I am relieved and grateful that the journey has not been difficult. So what’s my problem? Why can I relate so well to what Sherlock said up there?

In the beginning, when I quit, I knew that giving up my means of emotional escape would leave the doors and windows open for all my demons to enter. In actuality, the roof was blown off as well, leaving the way open for decades worth of dark stormclouds to wreak their vengeance on me for ignoring my own authentic heart. It has been, and still is, one hell of revealing, and amazing, journey. I don’t mind it all that much. What I do mind, and what I think I am having a problem with is the stasis.

I am at the point where I have changes to make. I feel an increasing need to make life simpler, cleaner, healthier, more creative, more worth it.

And that’s the crux of it isn’t it? To make a move. To push yourself to make the changes you need to. To clear away what you don’t need and what doesn’t serve you. To clear away the residue left by the nonsense, the bad habits, toxic relationships and poor choices. To clean and clear away until you find your authentc self and celebrate that. Work with that. To notice what makes you stand a little taller,  who makes your heart open and what brings you joy. Fill your lfe with those things and those people.

Stasis can be necessary sometimes for rest, reflection and regrouping. But then you move. YOU make things happen. The choice is yours.

Hugs and love,

Phoenix

The Choice Is Yours

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There comes a point where you realize that you can’t blame anyone but yourself for the way you feel about things that happen to you or for the place you’re at. You’re unhappy and frustrated in that crappy and unfulfilling job because you chose to stay. You think you don’t have career options because you chose to procrastinate on revamping your resume and sending it out. You’re left holding the short end of a broken relationship because you chose not to see the warning signs. You’re unhappy about your weight because you didn’t make that commitment to yourself to just start exercising, even at home, to one of those shows on FitTV. You’re unhappy with your health because you chose to skip the fruits and veggies you love. You’re disappointed and fed up with yourself because you were afraid to accept the fact that you have a problem with alcohol. So there it is: you only have yourself to blame.

But then you realize ‘blame’ is too harsh a word. Yes, you are responsible for the choices you make, but owning up to those choices and then choosing how you react to the emotions and feelings they bring is also up to you. You can choose to judge yourself harshly and walk about cursing the day, scaring the hell out of small children and motorists. You can choose to wallow in self pity and cry “It’s not fair!” into your pillow at night. You can choose to be a victim or a warrior and fight for the person you know you can be.

You can choose to understand that your feelings of dissatisfaction, frustration and disappointment are all indicators that you are not where you are meant to be. You can choose to man-up (or woman-up) and own and understand your feelings, not bury them or let them overwhelm you, but instead allow them to push you to make the necessary changes. You can choose to recognize that awareness is only half the battle, WILL is what will get you where you need to go. You can choose to accept responsibility for yourself and get help. You can choose to stay the course and not give in. You alone can motivate yourself to change your situation, whatever it may be. The choice is yours.

Phoenix