Change is Inevitable

Metamorphosis

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Uncle Iroh: You should know this is not a natural sickness. Your critical decision – what you did beneath that lake. It was such a conflict with your image of yourself that you are now at war within your own mind and body. You are going through a metamorphosis, my nephew. It will not be a pleasant experience but when you come out of it. You will be the beautiful prince you were always meant to be.

Do you remember hangovers? The head-in-a-vise headaches, the dehydration and cotton mouth, the sandpaper skin and sensitivity, the sour stomach and food that tasted like cardboard, the body aches and fatigue? Even though it’s been a couple of years I still do, vividly. That was my body fighting to get back to normalcy after I’d spent the night wrecking it by drinking and smoking too much. I feel such remorse when I think back to the way I disrespected my body and I certainly don’t miss the days lost, curled up on the couch in front of the TV, being physically unfit to do anything constructive or productive.

The human body is remarkable in the way it is designed to repair and heal itself. With the exception of serious illnesses or compromised immune systems, from the moment we sustain an injury or get the flu, our bodies begin repairing. Blood will clot, new cells will replace old or damaged ones, muscle tissue will regenerate. When I gave up drinking and smoking, I understood that I may have had physical withdrawal symptoms until the toxins were completely out of my system, and I also understood that healing would take time. For me, I started feeling healthier about six weeks after I quit. By then my sleeping and eating habits had normalized. My energy levels were higher than ever and I steered more of it toward enjoying life instead of fighting hangovers.

Mentally, the fog lifted and there was a clarity of thought I had not felt in ages. For people who were binge drinkers (more than 3 or 4 drinks at a time) or high functioning alcoholics (those of us who drank heavily every day and still managed to hold down a job and perform well enough to keep our habit hidden) our performance levels naturally increase a few months after we quit. I was fortunate enough at that time to be offered the opportunity to broaden my professional experience and knowledge. I jumped right in. With growing confidence in my creative capabilities and my ability to tap into them now, I flexed my creative muscles and experimented with different outlets. Now, I’ve been thinking about going back to school to explore that side of me. So many things are changing, for the better.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami

~*~

This is Post M, in the A to Z Blogging Challenge 2015. My 26 posts are inspired by the quotes from Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra, two Emmy award-winning animated television series created and produced by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The setting for both series is in an Asian-influenced world of martial arts and elemental manipulation. The shows drew on elements from East Asian, South Asian, and Western culture, and (aside from the kick-ass story lines, beautifully developed characters and exceptional storyboards) are where I found a wealth of inspiration and perspective on my own life.

The rest of my A to Z 2015 posts can be found here.

Despair

Zuko Iroh Despair

Uncle Iroh: Zuko, You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.

Every now and then I come across something I’d written when I was good and proper under the influence. It was a habit I’d formed, scribbling on napkins in bars, texting lines of poetry to myself in the early morning hours, or typing away on a laptop with Tori Amos playing in the background:

“We deem ourselves masters of our own destinies yet forever doom ourselves being slaves to our own darkness.” ~ Phoenix

These days I shake my head and chuckle at the melodramatic lines I find hidden in books and treasure chests, and I wonder about the girl who cried her heart out while she wrote. Makes me sad to think that she felt at a loss to handle so much pain. There are also many lines with crushing self-criticism and I am so grateful that I don’t do that anymore. Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I am quite okay with hiding under my blanket and wallowing in my moodiness, but I understand that it is necessary to do so from time to time, and I don’t judge myself as weak or damaged, worthless or hopeless anymore. I don’t let the Negative Pity Party Committee in my head get away with their out of place comments for very long.

Still, there are feelings which creep in every now and then, at sunset, which I can’t quite explain. Feelings of dread, anxiety, confusion, and despair. They’re not overwhelming and crippling as before and usually very brief, so I don’t worry about them too much. But they’re a curiosity to me and I’m still working out the root cause. Does this happen to any of you?

Dad once asked if they’re residual feelings from childhood about not finishing homework on time, or knowing that the falling night meant that the next school day was much closer. He could be right. Maybe my grown up self feels unfulfilled at the end of the day and worried about not accomplishing enough. (Yes, the charming life of a control freak) Or, perhaps it has more to do with perspective. As the sun sets and the sky changes from blue to red signaling the end of another day, I think about my role in this vast Universe. Am I doing what I’m meant to be doing? Most of the time I don’t think I am. Life is calling out to me and I’m not listening. I still confine myself to the expectations and limitations placed upon me by others and by myself. That’s when the anxiety, fear, and dread set in. It’s almost like feeling my spirit die. Is that possible?

I know that despair is rooted in self-doubt and hopelessness. If anything this last year has taught me is that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I am more capable than I thought and I can tap into my vast reserves of optimism, hope and faith. So today, thankfully, feelings of despair don’t last very long. And I do love mornings. I have been slowly but surely turning the table on twilight. I look for the beauty in it: the colours of the sky, the stillness and silence which follows as birds roost, the changing scent of the air. Maybe if I focus on these gifts, I won’t think about the negative.

~*~

This is Post D, in the A to Z Blogging Challenge 2015. My 26 posts are inspired by the quotes from Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra, two Emmy award-winning animated television series created and produced by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The setting for both series is in an Asian-influenced world of martial arts and elemental manipulation. The shows drew on elements from East Asian, South Asian, and Western culture, and (aside from the beautifully developed characters and kick-ass story lines) are where I found a wealth of inspiration and perspective on my own life.

The rest of my A to Z 2015 posts can be found here. 

Bad Habit Build-Up

ATLA Energy Flow

Guru Pathik: The water flows through this creek much like the energy flows through your body. If nothing else were around, this creek would flow pure and clear. However, life is messy, and things tend to fall in the creek, and then what happens?

Aang: The creek can’t flow?

Guru Pathik: Yes. But if we open the paths between the pools...[clears some moss clogging the water with his stick. The water pours quickly into the next pool, and soon all of them are running clean and clear.]

Aang: The energy flows!

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Life is like that isn’t it? When we allow bad habits to develop as means of dealing with difficult life experiences we create blocks to our emotional, mental, spiritual and physical development and well being. When I quit drinking I quickly found out that I had let alcohol become a habitual way to deal with so many emotions: anger, hurt, loneliness, frustration, fear. Of course, I wasn’t really dealing with any emotion. I was in the “efficient” habit of numbing what I felt. In actuality, the numbing and “escaping” only served to push the difficult emotions deep down into my psyche, where they prevented any real growth on my part.

Alcohol never made anything better. Sure, the first couple of drinks felt good because all the pleasure centers in my brain were tickled, tricking me into believing that this high meant I was happy. But the warning bells would already be going off by the end of glass two. I would choose to ignore them and the switch would be flipped. Now that the alcohol induced fog is no more and I’m allowing myself time to see, recognize and sit with the difficult emotions, slowly but surely I am creating new ways of dealing with them. Bit by bit I am forming new habits. Instead of paying attention to the “I am feeling (insert difficult emotion here), so I want / need / deserve a drink” thoughts, I shifted my focus because I know drinking never really made anything better.

For many of us, self-criticism and self-judgment are also habits we develop, which do us tremendous harm. Learning to love and be gentle with ourselves is the hardest thing we will have to learn and that’s understandable actually. Because it means reversing years and years of habitually telling ourselves we’re not worth it. Even the way we have become accustomed to perceiving and talking about our past stories can change. I know I’ve accumulated many blocks over the years and I’m working on clearing away the moss and weeds and emotional buildup, so my true self can shine through.

Yes, sometimes I don’t want to sit with my feelings. Yes, sometimes I get tired of the over-thinking, and the mantras, and the pep talks to myself. But you know what? I’ll take being ‘frustrated with myself for brooding too much’ over ‘frustrated with myself for drinking’ any day. I know the brooding won’t last. I know that it’s all part of the process. I know it’s part of developing new habits, which instead of harming me, are actually helping me this time.

~*~

This is Post B, in the A to Z Blogging Challenge 2015. My 26 posts are inspired by the quotes from Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra, two Emmy award-winning animated television series created and produced by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The setting for both series is in an Asian-influenced world of martial arts and elemental manipulation. The shows drew on elements from East Asian, South Asian, and Western culture, and (aside from the beautifully developed characters and kick-ass story lines) are where I found a wealth of inspiration and perspective on my own life.

The rest of my A to Z 2015 posts can be found here. 

My In-Case-Of-Emergency Person is Leaving

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Going through the envelope of documents my sister left for me in the passenger seat of her old car (my new car), I could not help feeling a rush of emotion. She was so organized. The car was spotlessly clean, of course,  with a full tank of gas, of course. The envelope contained all relevant ownership docs, service records, transfer docs, even a traveler’s prayer. She gave me her moon key-chain too.
Today she leaves with her baby for a new life abroad. My mother, who also lives abroad, has been here for the past week, in order to fly back with my sister today.
While I am 100% supportive of the move and very happy for my sister and nephew, I can’t help but feel lonely. I know I have many cousins here who I am close enough to, but my sister is leaving.
I know we will skype and keep in touch on whatsapp, and we will visit each other when it’s possible,  but my sister is leaving.
She grounds me. She has grounded me the most throughout this past year. And not in the form of a shoulder for my sober journey woes, but as a sounding board, fellow philosopher / psychologist, clown, ocd partner in crime, and trusted friend. We talk every day even if it is just to touch base. We get each other. We understand each other’s histories, motivations and wishes. I was in the delivery room with her when my nephew was born three years ago. When I quit drinking a year ago, it was because she forced me to face the demon. While this past year has been wonderful and growth filled for me, it has been a year of struggle and frustration for her. I endeavoured to remind her to see life’s beauty and to always have hope. We are a pair. And my sister is leaving today. 😦

Update:

Thanks for all the support friends. I am doing much better. My sister and I have been keeping in contact and we are both adjusting nicely. I do miss her, especially this last week as my ex and I have been talking about our recent break-up. But I am looking at this experience as an opportunity to learn how to become more self-reliant. I’m okay. Hugs to all.

Booze-free Breakups, Blueberries and the Brightside

A few days into Sober Singledom and I’m doing alright. The episodes of being Miss Bitch while driving (swearing in sign language at incompetent and inconsiderate motorists, or grinding my teeth when faced with ineptitude at the office) are becoming less and less. Today is a rough one. I know my temper is short these days so I am reminding myself to breathe. Nevertheless, I have learned a few tricks while finding my way about this unfamiliar territory.

THE BOOZE-FREE BREAKUP

It’s remarkable how much this week has reminded me of the first few days after quitting, with the odd sleeping hours and the over-thinking. It’s ridiculous! Without the usual alcohol numbing escape I am analyzing everything. In between the “WTF” and the “How dare he?” questions, [Okay Phoenix, give Mr. Potato Head back his angry eyes] there are the “What if it’s really me?”, “What if I’m f***ed up?” and “What if I’m unlovable and will never be a compatible with anyone?” feelings. I know it’s okay to be sad, feel vulnerable and have my mind’s cogs turning and questioning everything.  I’m going with it but being careful not to get carried away by it. I accept that my sadness and regret stem from the fact that I’ve lost something that was a part of me, into which I put time, effort and emotion. It is natural for me to feel regret and loss but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am NOT back to square one. I am not the same person I was before the relationship began and today’s Me has so many new opportunities that the old me didn’t.

BUSY, NOT BOOZY

Ok, maybe I’m overdoing it a bit with the alliterations but work with me. I have a plan. I’ve been keeping myself busy without running from the rough stuff. I know I need to process everything to get through it, but I’m also taking care of ME in little ways, with mani-pedis, full body scrubs and moisturizing. You know how after a break-up, life feels surreal? Well being in contact with my own skin helps me to feel present and grounded. I’ve gotten a haircut and covered the 3mm of gray hair that would’ve frustrated me a week from now. I went to the dentist to clean and polish my pearly whites. I keep a new canvas with paints and brushes at the ready and try not to binge watch TV series, unless I really need to. I have my girls on call for silly pep talk or a heart to heart, and reach out on my blog when I need to. (Thanks so much to all of you for reaching back). I cleaned my apartment and de-cluttered my kitchen. Oh! Speaking of kitchens…

BLUEBERRIES

I can’t run to booze, cigs, or weed to alter my mood, so I’m keeping my fridge stocked with feel-happy foods. Did you know that there are many foods that actually have a positive effect on our mood? Blueberries, strawberries and raspberries contain nutrients that help reduce stress and depression. Dark chocolate (yum) is high in magnesium, a mineral that calms muscles and reduces stress and anxiety. It also contains phenylethylamine (the same chemical generated by the brain when falling in love), causing the release of endorphins. Salmon and walnuts are packed with omega-3 which helps fight depression and mood swings. Avocados, coconut milk, almond milk and mushrooms all contain vitamin D which can improve mood by enhancing the production of the happy hormone, serotonin. Synthesized by the body in response to sunlight, serotonin becomes a feel-good neurotransmitter. Greek yogurt is a mood and immune system booster. Green tea, which is my go-to hot beverage, is full of theanine, an antioxidant which acts as a calming agent. I always knew bananas were a happy food and add them to my smoothies a few times per week. They are full of energy, vitamin B6, tryptophan, iron, magnesium and potassium. In fact, one banana has enough stress-reducing magnesium for the entire day!

THE BRIGHTSIDE

My impatience won’t last and I have admitted that the Universe is not really out to get me. I am so thankful that I am not dissolving into tears which I may very well have been doing if I’d been drinking. Being weepy and sorry for myself always came hand in hand with being too drunk.

I tell myself that the over-thinking and super analyzing is going to get me where I need to go much quicker. Instead of swallowing the rough feelings with whichever drink of choice as I would’ve done before, I am woman-ing up (with my pillow in hand) and allowing those pesky feelings to be sorted out.

My ex and I are on good terms and that’s a relief. We might even become better friends down the road because there was no damning, reckless,hurtful or resentful behaviour by either party in the end.

Because I have a sober head and able to stop an emotional meltdown, I am happy to report that I don’t see any risk of me turning to hook-ups to feel less needy. I know it is natural to feel that way after a break up as I am out of my comfort zone and just want to feel safe again, but that won’t happen by jumping into waiting arms or onto a waiting body. The age old advice: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” is utter BS. Those rebound relationships are never good. For me anyway. All my life, all they have ever done was delay the process of healing.

All these blueberries and dark chocolate and body treatments are actually good for my skin. Taking care of myself is comforting and protective in a way. I feel safe and fairly stable.

Remaining sober and taking care of myself physically has allowed me to be more present and recognize the positive things that are happening. I found the gumption to request and receive a raise at work which allowed me to buy my sister’s car. She is migrating so the sale of the car will help cover her start up costs. New articles are being published and proposals for future commissions have been accepted. I have seven articles due, my mom is visiting next week and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a break up, or booze jeopardize the positive adventures coming my way – career-wise, creatively or otherwise.

Love and light, Phoenix.

Click here for Blueberry Coconut Ice Cream with Dark Chocolate Bits

Just Another Day At The Beach

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I’ve driven past this little beach every morning for the past fifteen years and for many years I looked out for an elderly couple who came to Williams Bay for their early morning dip in the sea. They caught my eye a long time ago for one simple reason, the man’s kindness. It was clear that his wife had difficulty walking on her own. Driving past them day after day, I caught glimpses of their at-the-beach routine. I’d see him gently lift her out of the car and steady her on her feet. Facing her, he’d hold her by both arms, his hands under her elbows, and guide her as she awkwardly walked through the car park, onto the sand and into the water. Once thigh deep in the calm blue water, never once letting go of her arm, and he would softly splash water over her body. Delight was always the expression on her face. When their time in the water was over he would guide her back to the car just as gently as before, never showing any sign of impatience or frustration. He would seat her in the car and standing next to the open car door, would dry her hair, dress her in a dry gown, put her slippers on her feet and brush her hair. Her eyes never left his face as he did these small tasks.

The romantic in me often wondered about that couple. I wanted to know what had happened to her, where they lived, and if they had any children. But I never stopped at the beach to talk to them, fearing perhaps that the ‘magic’ would disappear. Four years ago I stopped seeing them at the beach but I haven’t forgotten them or his devotion to her. The kindness, compassion, love and gratitude I read on their faces and in the language of their bodies gave me hope that true companionship is possible.

~*~

My boyfriend and I ended our relationship on Sunday. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

I’m trying really hard to take my own advice and not look at this as a failure on my part, and I know all the rules to follow and the ‘right’ things to say at this point. But to tell you the truth, I’m more than a little afraid. We started going out when I was still drinking and he was 100% supportive when I quit a year later. There is a lot of love, respect and mutual affection between us but in this case it’s not enough. We are at different places in our lives and having been together for two years it is clear that we are not on the same path. We both agreed it is better that we end it now before we have a chance to really hurt each other.

I’m really sad about it and every now and then I get that heart crushing, sinking feeling in my stomach and my breath is caught. I’m on my own. Again. I thought about that elderly couple a lot today, wondering if I would ever have a relationship with someone I can grow old with. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ll be okay and that perhaps it’s time for me to learn how to be on my own and not be scared of being alone. I know that I want to share my life with someone, but perhaps now is not the time and I have some homework to do.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

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At some point in our dating history we have all heard or said that statement, or at least one of the following:

“Where I am in my life right now makes it’s better for me to be on my own.”

“My insecurities will play off your insecurities and vice versa. We will never work out.”

“I don’t have all my ducks in a row and you deserve to be with someone who does.”

“I’m just out of a relationship and I need some time to myself.”

“I need to focus on me right now.”

“I’m too busy with projects / career / family to be in a relationship.”

“The timing is all wrong.”

“I don’t mind hanging out with you but I don’t want to date you.”

“I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with you.”

“I just don’t see you that way.”

“I just don’t feel ‘IT’.”

The thing is, these are all valid statements, even if the sentiment is not the whole truth. Sometimes, we find more sensitive and caring ways to say: “Hell no! You’re a trainwreck. I’m outta here!” And sometimes that is actually the kind thing to do. Some people are not ready for the truth and even if they hear it, the bearer of the news is deemed an insensitive jerk anyway. That’s just par for the course.

Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who you share sparks with? Where both of you WANT to be with each other. And I’m telling you, when you know, you know. When you really want to be with someone and someone really wants to be with you, you will BOTH find a way. And nothing will stop you. Not fear, not judgement, not doubt, not timing, not ducks.

I know it’s a shame to waste your effort if the feelings are not mutual. And unrequited love always hurts. But don’t let that get to you. There is no rule that says you should be compatible with everyone. And chances are, if you really ask yourself why you want to be with that person and even more importantly, if you should be in a relationship right now, you’ll realize that you have some homework to do.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” ~ Brene Brown

It is totally understandable to feel bummed when a relationship doesn’t go the way you want. Happens to me too. I get upset because when the recipient of my affection does not fight for the relationship, I feel like I’m the one who’s not worth it. The reality is though, that most times it really doesn’t even have anything to do with me, and it’s a ton of other factors at play too. This doesn’t always make me feel any better though. It’s nice to be fought for. Except when the person is someone I don’t want anymore of course. 😉 Sigh, humans, we’re never satisfied.

That unworthiness feeling: For me, the root cause of the feeling usually has nothing to do with my current situation. It’s because of situations which happened when I was really young which left me feeling unworthy, unloved, and unimportant. In my present, when a relationship regresses rather than progresses I am reminded of that time when I was young and all those feelings come back. I have to talk to myself to put things into perspective and understand that each situation is different. It’s difficult but I try.

It is always disappointing when you can’t further a romantic relationship but how about trying to look at it a different way: Making a true connection with someone is very rare and when you hit it off with someone immediately, it is probably a friendship you are meant to have, even if it doesn’t turn into a romantic one. Give it some time and when you are ready, reach out from a place of friendship. You never know, you may have another best friend in the making there.

And we all could do with more of those. 🙂

Coming Up On One

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I’ve been thinking about if it would mean something to me when February 3rd rolls around and marks my one year soberversary. I’ve written about my response to friends who advised me to be careful around my eight month mark because they knew people who had fallen off the wagon around this time. I said that it’s not about counting the days or months for me. It has about understanding the nature of my relationship with alcohol, recognizing my triggers, and learning how to truly care about myself.

But, lately I’ve been thinking that there is something important and beautiful about reaching that One Year milestone. My guy says that the first anniversary is significant from a cyclical perspective. On February 3rd, I would’ve gone through Carnival, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, my birthday, loved ones’ birthdays, Christmas and New Year’s as a sober person. I would’ve celebrated and participated in yearly events differently than I had grown accustomed to. He has a point.

Then, as the Universe usually arranges, just as I was deep in thought about all of this one year anniversary stuff, I saw an episode of Elementary where Sherlock’s sponsor explained to him why he should care about his first soberversary:

Alfredo: Milestones like this one, they’re yours, but they’re not about you. They’re about all the people who haven’t got there yet.

Which of course I totally get. I have been so encouraged and energized by fellow bloggers who have made it past their first year:

Primrose just celebrated her first year, so did Vodka Goggles, and Sober Learning is days away from her anniversary.

Allie is at 9 months too like me.

Then there’s Cynthia Ann who talks about The Recovery Timeline on her blog Second Sobriety.

We are all so genuinely happy for one another when we succeed that the meaning of making these milestones, especially during our first year, has got to be greater than each of us.

It’s Not About Time

I was out after work with two girlfriends, catching up as we hadn’t seen each other in about six weeks. They asked me, “How’s that going?”, referring to  the fact that I’d stopped drinking, and wanted to know how long it had been. I replied that I had my last drink on Feb 1st, making it just about 8 months. They, meaning well, told me about friends and people they knew who had “fallen off the wagon” around this time, because they felt “comfortable enough at this stage to think they could just have one.”

I tried to explain that for me it is not about a time frame. Its not about the number of days, or weeks, or months without alcohol. It is about what stage I am at in my understanding and acceptance of the FACT that alcohol and my body are not compatible. I explained that the way my body reacts to alcohol is similar to the way the body of someone with an allergy, say to shrimp and lobster, would react. My friends pointed out that some people with shellfish allergies still consume lobster because they love it, swollen tongues and chest pains be damned. They had a point which led me to explain further.

Aside from coming to terms with the fact that I physically react differently to alcohol than other people, quitting drinking for good is also about coming to terms with and understanding the emotional and spiritual relationship I used to have with alcohol.

“I didn’t stop drinking because I couldn’t stop drinking. I stopped drinking because it became clear to me that I had a hole in my soul that alcohol was making bigger.” Mended Musings

It is about realizing and recognizing that once the clarity sets in, (you know what I’m talking about), all those issues and challenges that drinking ‘helped’ me to run from will surface and nag me until I face, deal with and accept them.

It is about being able to, for the first time, hold myself close and repeat to myself:  “I am not alone. I am taking care of Me”, and truly loving myself now and the girl I used to be. It is about helping the girl I used to be sort through all those difficult life changing challenges she faced, and tried to deal with the wrong way, for the greater part of two decades.

While I will never underestimate the power of that escape route I chose for so long, what I have learned and gained, is worth so much more to me. That is something that cannot be explained and perhaps none of the people in my life can truly understand. But that’s okay. I love them for trying to understand but I know that they don’t have to.  Because to me, as much as it is not about time, it is also not about what I can get others to understand. It is about celebrating the second chance I’ve been given, and that I’ve given to myself and knowing deep down that I can’t take that away. This decision and this journey are about finally saying: “I am worth it. I deserve having this life that I want. I deserve to take care of myself and to treat myself well,” and meaning all of it.

A New Story

I had coffee with a new friend a few evenings ago. We had a great time comparing our stories and getting to know one another. Later that night, while I was falling asleep, I thought about all that we had talked about. I realized that while I was happy to have shared what I consider to be new stories, I had spoken of the old stories in the same way that I had been for a long time, despite the fact that a lot of time had passed and my understanding and interpretation of those old stories had changed.

I woke up feeling heavy and unsettled and it took me a few days to truly understand why. Even though I had long come to terms with the old stories and have accepted that they are a part of my past, I was still choosing to drag along with me the old heavy, hurtful, angry feelings they once produced.

I made a decision right then and there to choose more. To choose a new story for my old stories. I choose to love that they will forever be a part of my life and accept that they are important to me because they have made me who I am today. And I’m not half bad, when I really think about it.

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