February 2022 – Shadow. Ash. Spirit. Flame.

Hello Friend.

It has been five years and eight months since I’ve written in this space. It has also been eight years since I dared to dream of a better life. Eight years since my last drink. Hugs to all who reached out to check in on me over the years. I’ve come back every now and then to catch up on your posts, and it warms my heart to see many familiar names. I don’t have a clear understanding of why I haven’t written, but I can guess.

During the first two years I celebrated every milestone, (my first 28 days, my first anniversary, the start of Year 3); I cherished every moment of understanding and eye-opening clarity, and believed myself deserving of every new dream as my world expanded with possibilities. For the first time in many, many years, I was proud of myself. Is there a “honeymoon phase” when it comes to sobriety? If there is, I would say that the honeymoon was over by mid-2016.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am still happy that alcohol is no longer an escape I run to, but sometimes I can’t recognize with the person who wrote the early posts here on this blog, so full of hope and determination, with a strong sense of self and so much courage of self-awareness. So much was changing, relatively quickly back then, and it was good.

I have been thinking about it and it’s possible that I started to plateau, and it scared me. Meaning, each new anniversary brought to light the fact that even though changes were taking place, the life I’d pictured having, was not materializing. In fact, during 2016 and 2017, I left my job of 15 years, ended a romantic relationship, and moved to be closer to my aging parents. Those changes also affected my social habits. There were progressive changes in 2018 and 2019 as I busied myself with setting up a new life, and then, of course 2020 put everything on hold.

If I am honest with myself, I didn’t start back writing because I was ashamed. I thought I would be further along. For so many years I reasoned that key facets of my life – relationships, career, spiritual well-being, physical health – were not where I wanted them to be because of my drinking. So by that logic, giving up alcohol and doing the work to heal those parts of myself that contributed to addictive behaviour, meant that I was getting my life together. Right? After eight years I should be thriving! I am not.

I want to truly forgive myself; truly accept who I am; and learn to love myself. I want to be more present, and not judge myself so harshly. I want to celebrate my wins again. I have a lot of work to do. So, I am back here, in the space I last accepted myself for who I was, and felt proud about my achievements and milestones. The space I last thought of my future with hope.