The drip, drip, drip of existence

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The Monotony – by Enzzok

“I’ve been feeling a little bit down of late. It’s the process of maintaining my sobriety. It’s repetitive and it’s relentless and above all it’s tedious. When I left rehab I accepted your influence. I committed to my recovery and now two years in I find myself asking: Is this it? My sobriety is simply a grind. It’s just this leaky faucet which requires constant maintenance and in return offers only not to drip.
I used to imagine that a relapse would be the climax to some grand drama. Now I think that if I were to use drugs again it would in fact be an anticlimax, the impious surrender to the incessant ‘drip, drip, drip’ of existence.” ~ Sherlock, Elementary

I am 100% happy that I quit drinking. I celebrate the fact that I am sober and I am happy about it. I am relieved and grateful that the journey has not been difficult. So what’s my problem? Why can I relate so well to what Sherlock said up there?

In the beginning, when I quit, I knew that giving up my means of emotional escape would leave the doors and windows open for all my demons to enter. In actuality, the roof was blown off as well, leaving the way open for decades worth of dark stormclouds to wreak their vengeance on me for ignoring my own authentic heart. It has been, and still is, one hell of revealing, and amazing, journey. I don’t mind it all that much. What I do mind, and what I think I am having a problem with is the stasis.

I am at the point where I have changes to make. I feel an increasing need to make life simpler, cleaner, healthier, more creative, more worth it.

And that’s the crux of it isn’t it? To make a move. To push yourself to make the changes you need to. To clear away what you don’t need and what doesn’t serve you. To clear away the residue left by the nonsense, the bad habits, toxic relationships and poor choices. To clean and clear away until you find your authentc self and celebrate that. Work with that. To notice what makes you stand a little taller,  who makes your heart open and what brings you joy. Fill your lfe with those things and those people.

Stasis can be necessary sometimes for rest, reflection and regrouping. But then you move. YOU make things happen. The choice is yours.

Hugs and love,

Phoenix

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8 comments

  1. oh how I LOVE this!
    its so true….
    and the interesting thing, to me, is that it used to be the fear, the drama, the “gonna die” crazy that used to make me move.
    Now it’s the stasis. The boredom. The “change it up, dammit”…..
    I so much prefer this, but when the urgency isn’t there it feels, what? anti-climactic? I don’t know. But I find more satisfaction in those changes now too..because I know they are driven by clear headed thinking, by somewhat of a plan. And I know I will be fully there to enjoy, deal, clean-up after (LOL) whatever happens when get my ass in gear.
    Really good post.
    And i wonder if Elementary is on netflix?

    1. Hi Mished
      Thanks for totally getting it. 🙂
      I think Elementary is on Netflix. Let me know what you think of it.
      Love and light,
      Phoenix

  2. Hi Phoenix,
    How are you? Hope to find you well. It has been a while, and I have read your post in July but there was something I could not grasp. I meant to come back to it to read it again. I did not, now I do and now I understand your post. 🙂 Thank you.
    It is hard to realise what you are writing is also applicable to me and to realise that I blew all the money I needed to make the changes easily (buy a house outside the city, etc) on drinking and building a non succesful company. Aaaahrg… don’t want to go there yet. Guilt and shame are (still?) in the way. :-(.

    Hugs and love, Feeling

    1. Hello Feeling
      Hugs. I am well and thinking of you too. Thank you for checking up on me and I am so glad that my words resonate with you.
      We do walk carrying our guilt and shame don’t we? But we are also learning that they can simply be parts of us and not heavy burdens to bear indefintely. Tender love and care to you.
      Phoenix

      1. Hi Phoenix,
        Happy to find you well. 🙂 ❤
        Joyfully receiving your love and care here. 🙂 Things have shifted a little on the part of shame and guilt for me. I cried a lot, felt through it a lot and yesterday a friend I had not seen in a while said: 'You have changed so much since last year, your eyes have changed so much, you seem to have rest now.' 🙂 So yes, there is hope, to not bear them indefinitely.
        Sending love,
        xx, Feeling

  3. Hello, I love and miss you in this space, and just wanted to say that. I missed this post when you first wrote it because I decided I should experiment with escaping again. Results? Same. That doesn’t work for me anymore. Sending you love and light..>D

    1. Hello D
      Love and light to you as well. I am here, always. And I do think of you often. I’ve learned that our tendency to crave escape can push us in the wrong direction sometimes: toxic friends, addictions (coffee, sugar, cigarettes included). I’ve been spending a lot of time with photography, art and writing. It helps. When that isn’t as effective, I allow myself to binge watch tv series. Haha. It’s okay to spend time in other world when I need to. But I am here, listening. Hugs.
      Phoenix

  4. I read this on Elizabeth Gilbert’s facebook page today.

    “The great compassionate souls always take their overflow of sorrow and turn it into love.
    I don’t have any answers for anyone today. This is one of those days for me when the world overwhelms, and I feel very small.
    But when the world starts to feel overwhelming in its sorrows, I always ask myself to look around me — to narrow down my focus — and to notice somebody who is nearby me, who is suffering. I can’t help the millions, but maybe I can help one. You never have to look very far to find a suffering soul. Life is hard; there is always someone going through great pain. I tell myself: Go sit with that person today for a while. Don’t try to solve their life, or answer for God, or offer dismissive “reasons”, or try fix the whole world. Just say, “I don’t know. But I will sit with you through this.”
    Turn your overflow of sorrow into love. That’s the only thing I know how to do sometimes.
    Love and blessings,
    Liz”

    Her post can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz?fref=photo

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