Katara: I know sometimes it hurts more to hope and it hurts more to care. But you have to promise me you’ll never stop caring.
I can’t cry. Yes, it is surprising to me too. I talk so much about honouring your emotions and allowing them to spill out of you when they need to. Yet, I can honestly say, I can’t cry. Sure, I get worked up emotionally and I get choked up to the point of squeezing out a few tears. But I am so very in the habit of swallowing tears and taking those deep suck-up-the-whole-world-of-worry breaths that I just don’t cry.
I used to bawl. Under the influence, during pretty bad episodes. I’d bawl to the heavens and sob with anguish. But of course, I’d never get the release promised because I’d usually pass out drunk before such relief came. Then I’d wake up hollow and empty.
I’ve been reading up on the subject (because it worries me) and apparently this is a common problem with people who have addictive tendencies because it is used as a means of escape – of disconnecting. It’s root is the same: Fear. Disconnecting from our emotions manifests in specific ways: overeating, working excessively, drinking daily, engaging in compulsive sex, working long hours, and many other types of compulsive behavior. We push our feelings down through excessive behavior, to make sure we do not feel them at that moment. In my case, now that the alcohol is out of the picture for me, it seems like analysis (writing), and overeating may have taken its place.
What really struck a chord with me was reading this:
“People spend much time talking about how they feel. They attend workshops, they visit therapists, and they tell others who did what to them and describe how they feel about it. They talk and talk about their feelings but they don’t feel their feelings. They intellectualize and analyze their feelings without feeling them. People are afraid to really feel their feelings, afraid of losing control, afraid of the pain involved in feeling their emotions, of feeling the sense of loss or failure or whatever the emotion brings with it. People are afraid to cry. So much of life is about what you feel rather than what you think. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings. Feeling them means owning them. Being strongly connected to your emotional life is essential to living a life with high energy and a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.”
So… I want all of that. I want to be connected to my emotional side on an analytical level and on an expressive level. I want to feel my way through life. I don’t mind talking or writing my way through feelings, but I’d rather not talk or write to the point of numbing them. I miss the surrender.
This is Post G, in the A to Z Blogging Challenge 2015. My 26 posts are inspired by the quotes from Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra, two Emmy award-winning animated television series created and produced by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The setting for both series is in an Asian-influenced world of martial arts and elemental manipulation. The shows drew on elements from East Asian, South Asian, and Western culture, and (aside from the kick-ass story lines, beautifully developed characters and exceptional storyboards) are where I found a wealth of inspiration and perspective on my own life.
The rest of my A to Z 2015 posts can be found here.