I sip my soda with lemon and mint and scan the dinner menu for a yummy bite to distract myself with. You see, you’re here tonight. You are right there, across the table enjoying yourself with my friends. I see you flirting, making them laugh and feel special, and for a moment I miss you.
I miss you being there for me, boosting my confidence, helping me to forget a rough day at work, or comforting me when others broke my heart. I remember how you made me feel that everything was going to be ok and you made me laugh too. You helped me find my creative side and finally set it free. Yes, you tug at my whole being when I think of all the fun we had together.
But there are other memories too aren’t there? I remember losing myself in you, being confused and disoriented because of you. I remember the frustration, anger and screaming matches; the crying, fear and anxiety; the black and blue marks, headaches, nausea and fever; the shame, worry and regret.
It was not your fault alone. It was mine too.
You see, we were never compatible, you and I.
Beautiful, enticing, comforting, reassuring You, we were never meant to be. Who you are and who I am meant to be, forever deems us better of as strangers. You consumed me and I let you. You made me see only you and I convinced myself of your importance in my life. That romanticized, idealized version of you was never real. And watching you now, I know nothing has really changed: you are the same You, not the better friend/lover to someone else that you appear to be.
I have changed though.
I am stronger, wiser, more confident and more creative. I am building real relationships which are equally loving and giving. I’m learning more about life every day through MY clear unfiltered eyes. Life is beautiful, fulfilling and open once more.
So, my dear Johnnie, Jack, Jose, Jager and the rest of my exes, here is the truth of it:
I don’t want you anymore.
I am happier without you.