North by Northwest (or At the Crossroads)

Image: Crossroads by Symmetry Box

Image: Crossroads by Symmetry Box

Some time ago, I saw a therapist for a year and a half to better understand the circumstances and influences which shaped how I view or perceive myself. I do understand most of them and I’m still learning to enforce a positive core belief rather than allowing the conditioned negative core belief to come to the forefront. Despite my understanding of these perceptions and how they can be triggers to unhealthy behaviour, I still allow one over-riding unhealthy habit to continue unchecked. I can’t do that anymore.

I am here to learn how to recognize, acknowledge, understand, accept and let go of my triggers, instead of ignoring, denying, and subconsciously allowing them to control me.

I want to learn how to accept that it IS ok for me to be THAT GIRL: The one who can not drink socially. The one whose body reacts differently to alcohol than others. The one who can not handle her alcohol. The one who can accept that the term “binge drinker” does in fact belong to her but it is not ALL of who she is.

So why start this blog? Simple, I want to find support among others who have had experiences like mine.

Where I live, drinking is a large part of our national culture. It’s everywhere and all around us: Drinks after work, glasses of wine during lunch or dinner business meetings or on dates. Alcohol is served at book readings and art exhibition openings, at baby showers, children’s birthday parties, engagement parties, weddings and yes, even at funerals.

It’s understood as a way to relax after a rough day at work or to enjoy while cooking dinner. We drink the day before a holiday and on the holiday. It’s all around. ALL THE TIME. Most people seem to not be affected by this. I know, and have known for some time that I’m not one of those people. My body reacts differently to alcohol and I don’t know the tools to cope with it. I want to learn how to deal with this.

I am here because I am fed up of pushing the limits and ignoring the warning signs. Of seeing the looks of annoyance, frustration, hurt, anger, pity and finally indifference on the faces of those who love me. I’m fed up of hurting those I love and of making poor choices when I am under the influence of alcohol.

I am tired of having days of un-productivity because I’m too hungover to function, of missing work or events and disappointing friends. I’m fed up of waking up and not remembering what happened the night before and being afraid that I did something stupid, unforgivable or dangerous once again. I’m fed up of feeling small and lost and of the self pity.

I’m fed up of knowing that I have to do something before it is too late. I’m tired of making promises to myself and setting goals and then stumbling and failing when I make any significant headway.

I accept that I have to find the courage walk this road and embrace all that it is. It is time to treat myself the right way. To learn to truly love, take care of and respect myself.

Phoenix.

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